I’m 50 Shades of Done with Magic Mike.

10698496_10202758538470091_8568568935859087647_nAlright, that title probably has you giggling. As it should, because hopefully it’s opening your eyes to some of the worst excuses of movie making our generation has ever seen.

I have not and will not ever read 50 Shades of Grey. I will not ever see any of the movies from the franchise. I think it’s garbage. I also have zero interest in Magic Mike… which is the thing I actually want to talk about in this post. I just sort of needed to put it out there that I think 50 Shades is terrible and I won’t spend my money on it.

Last week my dear friends Chase and Rachel got married. So of course, what does that entail? A bachelorette party!! The last bachelorette party I went to… I think I was 7 and it was for my aunt and I was super confused about why she was getting weird silky and lacy things and why everyone was cheering for it. THIS one was chock full of entertainment.

I showed up late to the party because it was after the rehearsal and they needed someone to go pick up Chase’s brother and girlfriend. So I did that. I got Kurt and Hanna dinner, they got changed and we dropped Kurt off with the boys so we could proceed to go play with the girls.

There was a concert at this country bar. I mean, we’re in Texas. Duh. There was a creepy older dude who wanted to two-step with all of us. Many margaritas were consumed. And the MOH, Natalie, had the hots for the lead singer of the band, who did a medley of 80s and 90s shows theme songs.

What was left out from that bachelorette party? Penis party favors and strippers. And you know what? We didn’t miss them at all. After the concert was over and our drinks had been paid for, our waitress came up to me and said, “I just wanted to say that y’all have to be the classiest bachelorette party we’ve ever had come through here. Usually they’re leaving trash all over the place and throwing up and crying… you girls are just here to celebrate and it’s really refreshing to all of us here. So thanks for being classy. Tell the bride congratulations!”

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I really, really have never understood the fascination with having a stripper come around for a bachelor(ette) party. Ever. The only reason I can think people do it is they actually believe the commitment starts at the ceremony. Which is total nonsense. When Magic Mike first came to theaters (yeah I know there’s innuendo in that) women of the world lost their damn minds. FOR WHAT?

You’re not allowed to touch the strippers. They’re all oily, which honestly would just make everything a mess and you’d have NO traction. Something about a man in a thong just doesn’t sit well with me. Plus… if you’re so in love with the man/woman you’re with (whether or not you plan to marry them) what good does seeing movies like Magic Mike actually bring to your relationship? Probably nothing. Actually, definitely nothing.

I’m all in favor of a nice set of abs. Ryan Gosling in Crazy Stupid Love is proof that the Lord creates beautiful things. But wanna know what’s better? MUSICIANS WITH BEARDS. JUST SAYING.

So guess what. The Magic Mike franchise will never get any money from me. Nor will 50 Shades of Grey. One day when I’m lucky enough to have a bachelorette party, I want it to be like Rachel’s. I want it to end with our server having enjoyed us as customers, and I really don’t want or need any penis related anything other than maybe getting insanely awkward advice from older women walking up to us. Which would only make for good stories later on.

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