Nicholas Sparks, Stephanie Meyer and Suzanne Collins can all shove it.

HDP_6982That’s a really harsh title. I might change it. I might not. *five minute pause* I thought about it. I’m not going to change it.

It’s been a few weeks, I know, but I really had nothing I wanted to write about. There would be ideas that randomly popped up which would then fade after about ten minutes of trying to think about how I would execute the post.

Tonight was different. I was reminded of how much I L-O-V-E a good story. Let’s talk about Inkheart. Then maybe I’ll clue everyone in on why I can’t stand Nicholas Sparks.

Just kidding I’ll tell you right now. I was so turned off by The Notebook. Yeah, you read that right. I don’t care how hot Ryan Gosling is or how perfect he is with Rachel McAdams — that’s not how Alzheimer’s or dementia works. They don’t always come back to you. When they look at you, they don’t see you. I mean, of course they see you. But they don’t know you. Losing your mind is not romantic. It’s agony. And why is it agony? The people who love them know that if they could see themselves, the shell of themselves… They would want us to end it. There is no worse way to (watch someone) die. Yeah, tumors and cancer and viruses and other diseases in general are awful. But at least those have treatment and possible cures. Of course that movie makes me cry, but not because of how amazing their love is, no. It’s because I know what’s coming. All I needed was to know the story of The Notebook to completely turn my back on every other vile word that man has written and will write. I will not support a writer who romanticizes the most painful disease I’ve ever seen take life from my family. Never not ever. I am completely repelled by The Notebook.

So Inkheart. For starters, it took me a solid five years to actually really make it through that book. Why? Oh I don’t know. I wasn’t hooked right off the bat. But, being the stubborn person I am, I kept going at it because I can’t not finish what I start when it comes to books. Then one day it happened. I was taken to a whole other world. That’s what I love so much about stories, I can escape. My favorite quote ever ever is actually something Robert Pattinson (you know, Cedric Diggory) said, “If you find a girl who reads, keep her close. When you find her up at 2AM clutching a book to her chest and weeping, make her a cup of tea and hold her. You may lose her for a couple of hours but she will always come back to you. She’ll talk as if the characters in the book are real, because for a while, they always are. Date a girl who reads because you deserve it. You deserve a girl who can give you the most colorful life imaginable. If you can only give her monotony, and stale hours and half-baked proposals, then you’re better off alone. If you want the world and the worlds beyond it, date a girl who reads.

I don’t want to spoil it for you. I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW — they made it into a movie which was awful so I can’t truly spoil it. This one time I got into a debate with someone over if you can spoil a movie if it’s based on a book, here’s some truth: you absolutely can’t. The story has been written and is available. They might change some minor things and tweak the ending to make it more “Hollywood” but other than that, the story has already been told and thought of by someone else. Read the damn book.

What is it that I loved so much about Inkheart? There wasn’t love triangle. I hate love triangles. Love triangles are u-s-e-l-e-s-s. Why? Because they’re only included because the author couldn’t think of more plausible interaction between characters. My friend Caitlin said it best: They literally make me stark raving mad. They are the laziest, stupidest, most ridiculous plot device.

But… Love triangles make it interesting!! No. Love triangles make the person in the middle of it seem like a moron who can’t make up their mind. Which is exactly where lazy comes into play. You cannot be perfectly in love with two people and torn between them. That’s stupid. I’m not even sorry to say this, but Katniss Everdeen and Bella Swan are assholes.

YES. These are things that actually drive me insane and I have harbored these feelings for WAY too much time.

Let’s forget about the fact that Jacob and Edward were both basically abusers and completely psychotic. Bella was being a twat that entire series and we all know it. So was Katniss.

Someone asked me if I was Team Gale and I was like *not like I care but spoiler alert* I’m team don’t kill Prim. I’m not even kidding, I needed to take deep breaths and count to 100 so I wouldn’t throw my Kindle into a wall when I read the ending of Mockingjay. I didn’t care about the love triangle to begin with, that just sealed the deal that the series was garbage.

I have twice spent time reading stories that have devoted the central theme of the plot to an inane love triangle where the whole time I was thinking, “just make up your mind and deal with the consequences or benefits to your decision because you’re literally being such a **** right now to everyone involved, including me.”

Love triangles aren’t real. I KNOW THEY’RE FICTIONAL STORIES. What is real is something more along the lines of the girl who likes a boy who likes a different girl. Like in Les Miserables with Eponine, Marius and Cosette. That’s an extremely real thing. But do you know the beauty of it? Eponine knows that Marius won’t be happy with her the way he’d be with Cosette, and because she loves him so much she lets him go.

Hi. That’s a love story. It’s not a triangle, it’s a line. As love should be. Only once has that line been crossed (#punny), and only one story off the top of my head comes to mind that replicates even a letter of it.

Yes, I take fictional stories extremely personally. Book nerds will understand. We were there when it all happened, it affects us on a spiritual level, you just need to let us deal.

Do you want to know why Stephanie Meyer and Suzanne Collins put love triangles in their stories? Because J.K. Rowling didn’t need to.

Sheldon+Cooper+bazinga

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